so i bought an exercise bike. thought it would be a good way to spin my wheels while working on the research for that whole book project thingamabobajigger.
more fun than i expected, actually. planned on thirty minutes, but went forty the first time because i wasn't done with the chapter.
now it's just a matter of committing to that time and the reading and we'll be off and biking, right?
meanstwhile, the more i learn, the more i learn that i've got a lot of reading ahead of me. there are so many things that we take for granted in our everyday lives. light. plumbing. cars. email. food. music. food.
did i say food?
no mcdonald's until what, the early 50's? anybody know when they were founded? anybody? bueller?
bueller?
...bueller?
and then reading more headlines... the trial of saddam hussein, an explosion in a mine in china, and then the one that sticks with me: heiress to samsung fortune commits suicide.
evidently the young lady (age 26) was worth about 170 million dollars and was in new york at graduate school attempting to learn more about art to help run samsung's cultural foundation.
and she hung herself with an electrical cord.
have you ever had somebody you know commit suicide, or attempt it? i have. and the number of people can't be counted on one hand. have you ever thought about it? more than idly? who hasn't, right?
who hasn't found themselves at the end of a dark tunnel of a day when decisions and breathing and finding a reason to wake up in the morning seem to be harder than choosing the longest, most dreamless sleep we'll ever know. but what is that thing, that one reason, or that one moment when we decide tomorrow's another day, and maybe we haven't hit rock bottom yet, or somebody out there would miss us more than we care to admit, or whatever reason it is that makes us draw one more ragged breath, then another, and another... until the pain and loneliness seem somehow manageable.
and why is it we don't always find that answer? or provide that reason to those we love... or to ourselves?
...
some joni mitchell lyrics i'm going to fall asleep to tonight, as channeled by diana krall and her piano:
I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said,
"Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed"
Oh but you are in my blood
You're my holy wine
You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet
1 comment:
I forget the band that sang it. But the lyrics went something like
"Trust in my, self-righteous suicide, I cried, when angels deserved to die, in my self-righteous suicide, I cried, when angels deserved to die."
That is one thing I've thankfully been without, someone committing suicide.
I myself am having trouble gearing myself up for a timeline/outline.
However once I get it out of the way, things will be much easier to tweak.
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